When Teachings on Forgiveness in the Church Cause More Pain

Growing up in the church, I was always taught that no matter what, you must forgive those who’ve wronged you because God has forgiven you of so much more. Forgiveness was essentially a light switch, just waiting to be flipped on. 

I’d always believed that regardless of the crime, you were required to forgive. I, like some of you, believed that forgiveness was equal to reconciliation. Forgiveness meant I could no longer think one “bad” thought about you again. You are practically my new best friend! Even if I didn’t want that internally…

By doing all of these things, I was a good Christian. I was a noble Christian. I was the bigger person. 

But that is not biblical forgiveness. 

It’s suppressing pain and hurt. It puts the action step on the person who was wronged, and not on the person who did the wrongdoing. Not only is it unrealistic, but it causes more trauma when we can’t just turn that light switch on and forget. This kind of theology hurts people, not heals them.

Why are teachings around forgiveness manipulated?

Before we get into what biblical forgiveness actually looks like, we have to take a second to understand why these teachings are manipulated in the first place. 

With all of the recent headlines of abuse in the church being covered up for decades, it’s beginning to feel like some churches think they operate outside of the law. They make their own rules, they discipline how they see fit, and the punishment seldom matches the crime. There usually is no punishment for abuse at all. At the most, you’ll see a slap on the wrist…for appearance's sake. 

Forgiveness is one of the ways in which abusive churches operate outside of the law. If they can make you believe that you are required to forgive, affirm their actions, and accept their behavior you’ve lost all autonomy. But, you of course don’t know that at the time. 

If you are required, without exception, to forgive, then shedding light on their wrongdoing is certainly not okay. That would be divisive. This creates a culture of secrets kept in the shadows, even when they are illegal, and would be punished by jail time.

So many kindhearted Christians just want to please God. They love Him so much that they’ll do anything for him. That pure love is taken advantage of by wolves in sheep’s clothing. For the narcissistic pastor, creating a church culture where asking questions is quarrelsome, shedding light on issues is divisive, and processing your experiences is gossip – you can never win. 

They will always be in charge as long as they can keep you quiet and control the narrative around the building. It’s extremely scary that these so-called pastors have no fear of God. There is no remorse for their actions, nor humility toward the position they were given. 

Not only does Jesus not expect you to sweep it under the rug, but He was extremely vocal about his distaste for leaders who use their power to control their flock.

“Be shepherds of God’s flock that is under your care, watching over them—not because you must, but because you are willing, as God wants you to be; not pursuing dishonest gain, but eager to serve; not lording it over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock” 1 Peter 5:2-3

Leaders in the church are called to watch over God’s people. Does watching over them consist of abusing them? Absolutely not. There is way too much dishonest gain happening in the era of celebrity megachurch pastors. But, it isn’t just happening at your local megachurch, spiritual abuse doesn’t discriminate by congregation size. Find an overly charismatic preacher with an ego problem, you’ll likely find abuse.

I can say from my own experience working for an evangelistic ministry, the desire to be the “anointed one” who is touched by God in a special way was extremely enticing for the leaders I was under. The self-proclaimed evangelists and prophets added these titles to their names to assert their authority over everyone else. They were special and chosen by God, you were not. Therefore, it’s in your best interest to trust and do everything that they say. 

This opens the door to a variety of different abuses. 

At this point, you’re likely seeing why manipulators must use verses on forgiveness against you. It keeps their dirty secrets from being spilled and positions them in a place of power. If you address it, you’re a gossip who must immediately repent. You might even be called out from the pulpit for a public shaming. So horrible, and far stray from the intended purpose of a pastor. 

What is biblical forgiveness?

When it comes to biblical forgiveness, what is the blueprint that has been laid out for us in scripture? Is it just so simple, that God forgave us so we must forgive others? Or is there more to it than that? 

Let’s dive in. 

Starting in the first verse of Luke 17, Jesus makes it very clear how we should live here on earth. He starts by saying, “It is impossible that no offenses should come, but woe to him through whom they do come! It would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were thrown into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.”

The Greek word for offenses that is used here is skandalon and it means bent stick, the trap that sets the bait. It’s talking about someone who is a stumbling block in the road that causes people to trip, and potentially fall. 

In some places throughout the Bible, the use of the word can be good. When used to describe people being offended by the gospel because of Jesus’ acts, this was a “good” kind of offense. This specific verse is about leading another believer into sin. It is willfully giving another Christian false teaching, further dividing and causing people to stumble in their faith. 

The focus here isn’t on the one who stumbled, but the one who caused the stumbling. Jesus is so adamant about how bad this is that He says it would be better to die a violent death. 

Going further into verses 3-4, the Bible says, “Take heed to yourselves. If your brother sins against you, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. And if he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times in a day returns to you, saying, ‘I repent,’ you shall forgive him. 

I want to first state that when someone sins against you, love and forgiveness do not mean you pretend it didn’t happen. Oftentimes in the church, we are led to believe that we just have to take it and say nothing, like that is the Christ-like thing to do. The Bible says to call it out! 

Now I’m not saying every little petty offense that happens you need to rebuke someone. What we are talking about are those of you who have experienced grave abuse at the hands of someone else. You are not required to just let it go.

Next, the key part here that we aren’t often taught is that “if he repents, forgive him.” Until I really did a deep dive on forgiveness, and understanding what God was asking of me in my own life, did I find out the truth. I’d read this verse before hundreds of times, but when you have a belief system so ingrained in your mind, you start to see only what you were brainwashed to believe and nothing else. My mind would immediately shoot to the you must forgive portion, without even internalizing that the person needs to repent first. 

This isn’t to say you can’t forgive someone who hasn’t repented to you. For my own sake, I’ve learned to forgive as best I can, those who have hurt me most in the church. I do it for my own heart and peace. If I were to hold onto the bitterness of what they did, I would live a life of misery. Their sin would win, and I would be given over in defeat to live a life consumed by their actions. 

When it comes to abuse, it’s not always so cut and dry. Sometimes you have to realize that you will likely never think “happy” thoughts about this person. Why would you? But to a degree, we can release ourselves from what they’ve done by healing and moving forward in our lives. 

The action step here isn’t on you. The focus in all of these verses was on the one who did the wrongdoing. It is crazy how much abusive pastors shift this focus to be solely on you and your level of forgiveness.

The disciples finished by asking God to increase their faith. It’s where one of the most popular verses in the Bible comes from. “If you have faith as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, ‘Be pulled up by the roots and be planted in the sea,’ and it would obey you.” 

Despite the pain and abuse that can happen in the church, I choose to put my faith in a good God. A God that deeply cares about all of our wounds and wants to see them nurtured and healed. This is a God who personally understands our trials. He was spiritually and physically abused by people who confessed faith. He knows the hurt and pain and is gentle in the healing process. 

It can be discouraging to see everything that is going on in our church systems today. I get it. I often feel discouraged and truthfully haven’t found a church that I feel comfortable in yet. Despite those challenges, I believe it’s crucial to keep our gaze fixed on Jesus and not allow wickedness to influence our faith in a kind and good God. 

If you have any questions about this article or would like to speak with me about working 1:1 email me at shelbyb@bcmltd.us